Crab Cakes and Football: That's what Maryland does!

I love G&M crab cakes, but eat a dick, Maryland.  This is my last chance to gloat for a couple of weeks because Penn State is off next Saturday, followed by the inevitable skull-fucking by Ohio State.  *sigh* Pinstripe Bowl, here we come!

I'm on academic probation at an online university which basically means I'm dominating life

If you're not impressed by my 1.75 GPA at an online university you don't have a pulse.  This shit ain't graded on a curve like those brick-and-mortar schools.  Need to get a legit 80% to pull a B.  Needless to say, I haven't been doing much of that.

You're probably wondering what the hell I'm doing trying to get an MPA at an online university.  Well, there's this thing called the GI Bill.  As of last summer, I had about 20 months left after grad school.  One of the benefits is that you get a living stipend when you're enrolled as a full-time student, even if it's online.  Well fuck, do the math, I'm leaving cash on the table by not trying to get a third graduate degree.

Let's be real, online, for-profit universities are making a mockery of higher education, so I've decided to flip the script and make a mockery of them.  Hell, ITT tech has shut down, this place can't be far behind.  Besides, this isn't costing me a dime.  The GI Bill pays for my tuition while padding my hookers and blow Chick-Fil-A budget.

Besides, getting emails like this just brings a smile to my face:

1.75 > 1.50

I'm making progress.  Just hope I can exhaust that GI Bill before I get expelled by a for-profit online university.

Where will Tom Herman be coaching next year?

Ladies and gentleman, that is the next head coach at a major program come 2017.  The question is where?  Many thought he'd make the jump last year after guiding Houston to a 12-1 season and a victory over Florida State in the Peach Bowl.  Herman didn't leave because he's a smart guy.  He doesn't want to coach some shit program in a power five conference like Kansas or Washington State (though you gotta respect former Washington State coach for how he pissed away the Alabama job).

No - Herman knows he's an offensive genius that was able to devise a game plan that propelled Ohio State to three straight post-season wins en route to the 2014 National Championship.  He won those games with 3rd stringer Cardale Jones who now owes Herman Christmas cards for life, because after that stretch he got on the radar of the NFL for his Jamarcus Russell like physical talents.  He imploded a little before Jamarcus Russell though by losing his job to JT Barrett last year and is now 3rd on the Buffalo Bills depth chart behind Tyrod Taylor and EJ Manuel.  Man, that must really suck to peak in life as a redshirt sophomore.

Here are the top 4 jobs that I think will be open this offseason and I'll rank them in how good of an opportunity it is for our boy Herman. (Disclaimer: This is assuming the Big 12 is run by a bunch of pussies and that they expand to 12 teams by inviting Cincinnati and BYU and give Houston the middle finger.)

4. Notre Dame

You might be thinking, wait, wasn't Notre Dame good last year?  Brian Kelly isn't going to get fired.  Here's the thing, Brian Kelly's biggest accomplishment since he took over in 2010 was making it to the National Championship game in 2012 with a star linebacker who had an imaginary girlfriend.  Let's take a look at his body of work at Notre Dame:

Touchdown Jesus doesn't pray for 8-5 seasons and berths in the Champs Sports bowl.  Kelly has gotten a fair shake, and he's shown he can't do much.  This year is an absolute dumpster fire.  Notre Dame is 2-3 with losses to Texas (who looks like shit after losses to Cal and Oklahoma St.), Michigan State (who looks like shit after losing on the road to Indiana), and Duke.  FUCKING DUKE!!!  Needless to say Notre Dame will be looking for a head coach at the end of the season.  Kelly knows this, which is why he fired his defensive coordinator following the Duke loss, but Notre Dame is the Titanic and the whole coaching staff is going with it.

3. Penn State

Let's be honest, hiring James Franklin for his track record at Vanderbilt was a regrettable mistake like letting Michael Bay make a 4th Transformers movie.  People point to Franklin's back-to-back 9-4 finishes with Vandy in the SEC and wonder why that success doesn't translate to Penn State in the Big Ten.  Well, here's why:

The 9-4 masks the fact that he finished 6th in the SEC East two years in a row.  Look at the schedule, the only ranked team he beat in two years was Georgia in 2013, and that's a UGA squad that ended up 8-5, so it's not like Vanderbilt handed them their only loss.  Also, when you look at the schedule again, you'll notice the SEC West heavyweights such as Alabama and LSU are conveniently off the schedule.

If for no other reason, Penn State needs to fire James Franklin because he looks like a fucking used car salesman:

2. LSU

This is probably the most aggressive move by a school gunning for Tom Herman.  Firing Les Miles in the middle of the season sends the message "Fuck this season, we want to show Tom Herman we're serious about hiring him."  They promoted D-Line coach Ed Orgeron to interim head coach to show that they're not serious about promoting within.  Orgeron got fucked by USC when he got the interim tag after Joey Freshwater Lane Kiffin was pulled off the team bus and fired at LAX.  Orgeron led USC to a 6-2 record the rest of the way only for the administration to prefer to hire an alcoholic.  Orgeron is a good dude who deserves better.  He needs to get his resume ready though.

1. Texas 

Charlie Strong is as good as fired.  An opening season win against Notre Dame (see above) prompted the college world to overreact and proclaim that "Texas is back!"  Calm down people.  We now know that Notre Dame is a dogshit team, and losses to Cal and Oklahoma State aren't a good look.  Maybe Strong pulls another Red River Rivalry win out of his ass to save his job (again), but I don't think it's going to be enough.  If for no other reason, it's a good move to fire Strong because Herman's available. 

The reason I think Texas is No.1 is because it just makes sense.  It's a storied program and Tom Herman has made serious inroads in the Houston area for recruiting.  Being the head coach at Texas will allow him to stretch across the whole talent rich state while also bringing all his Houston area recruits to Austin with him.  If the Big 12 tries to keep Houston out of the Big 12, Herman should just take the Texas coaching job and unleash hell on the schools that didn't want him coaching a Houston team in that conference.  It's a perfect way to say "fuck you" to the programs trying to cockblock Houston while restoring Texas back to glory.  It also doesn't hurt that Charlie Strong is a pretty easy act to follow.

There you have it.  This is just my opinion, but it's true.

My review of the Chick-Fil-A Egg White Grill

It tastes like dogshit.  Bring back the Spicy Chicken Biscuit. (I capitalized "Spicy Chicken Biscuit" to show how much respect it deserves.)

Comcast sucks and there's nothing I can do about it.

I will pay $35 every time to avoid getting those damn drops in my eyes at the optometrist

I've been doing this for the last three years or so and it's been awesome.  $35 to not have to have your vision fucked up for the rest of the day and looking like a total dickbag when you go back to work wearing sunglasses inside?  Yes please, all day.  In fact, $35 is a steal.  I'd pay $35 and give a homeless guy a handjob to not have to my pupils dilated once a year.  This is why I work hard all week - so I can ball out at the optometrist and make it rain with a $35 credit card payment.

MLB has the worst way of determining who has home field in a championship series

Winner of the All-Star game gets home field.  What a crock of shit.  The fact that there are players that won't even sniff the World Series have a hand in determining who has home field is insane.  You know what they did before that?  They simply alternated home field between the NL and AL.  REALLY?  Here's a fucking novel idea: the team with the better record gets home field.  The NBA does that and it seems fair that the best team in the league guarantees itself home field for as long as their in the playoffs.  But seriously, I shouldn't be surprised.  After all, the MLB All-Star game also requires that each team is represented in the All-Star game, even if some teams suck major dick and have no one worthy of an All-Star appearance, someone is going.  I'm shocked this is still a rule.  This isn't little league where everyone gets a participation ribbon.  THIS IS MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL.

Ah fuck it.