The Authoritative French Fry Power Rankings Are Here!

Okay folks, let's lay some ground rule here as ranking french fries is some serious shit.  These power rankings are types of fries.  Sometimes that could mean a certain restaurant's fries, sometimes it's in more general terms.  Also, sweet potato fries are not included in this ranking because they're not french fries.  If you disagree with me, you're welcome to shut the fuck up.  I will also not include any sort of "Loaded fries" or "Chili Cheese Fries" because those are simply regular fries with a bunch of shit dumped on them.  HOWEVA - I will include fries that have a sort of spice to them because that makes them different.  You still with me?  This list is not all-inclusive.  If I didn't mention a type of french fry that you like, it obviously wasn't important enough to include here.  Without further ado:

10. Crinkle Cut Fries

These are probably some of the most vanilla fries out there.  They're overpriced at concession stands at sporting events, served in high school cafeterias, or they're the shit fries from Ortega that you try to make in your oven.  These fries are like your 4th choice prom date that gave you a hand job at the end of the evening.  Not good, not great, gets the job done though.

9. Regular Restaurant Fries

These are the basic white girl of french fries.  Nothing remarkable about them, you can find them anywhere.  Good with ketchup.

8. In N' Out Fries

Some people seem to hate these with the burning fire of 1000 suns, but I actually like them.  They're thin, they're crisp, they're delicious!  They're not my favorite by any means, but I do enjoy them every chance I get on a trip out west.  Oh what's that?  In N' Out is coming to Colorado?  Fuck yes.

7. Steak Fries

These are the lazy, fat motherfucker of fries.  They don't taste all that different from say a crinkle cut or normal fry, but what boosts them to the 7 spot is the fact that you get more fry per bite.  And that my friends, is the steak fry difference which causes them to taste better.  Did I just blow your fucking mind?  You're welcome.

6. McDonald's

I fucking hate McDonald's but I give credit where credit is due.  That creepy ass clown and his fucked up purple friend Grimace sure do know how to make a tasty fry.  These were the most accessible as a kid since they showed up in Happy Meals.  Just a classic taste of what a french fry should be: salty as fuck and will eventually kill you.  The fact that McDonald's checks in at number six should just tell you how strong this list is.

5. Old Bay Fries

One of my friends introduced me to these at a bar in college and my life was never the same.  Before that Old Bay was just the annoying seasoning on crabs that you never seemed to eat, you just got it all over your hands from handling the crabs.  But man - Old Bay on fries?  Truly a match made in heaven.  Whoever said "I'm going to try putting Old Bay on fries and make it a thing," I owe you a debt that can never be repaid.

4. Parmesan Truffle Fries

Another amazing mad scientist creation gone right.  I don't know who thought to do this, but man, parmesan fries are what dreams are made of.  Best places to get them?  Lark Burger or Hop Doddy Burger bar.  If you don't live near one of these, go erotically asphyxiate yourself in the closet.  Your life isn't that good.

3. Waffle Fries

Studies have shown that configuring fries in the formation of a waffle makes them taste 47% better than singular fries.  Okay, that's not true, but a lot of you probably believed that.  What makes waffle fries so damn good?  I don't know, they just are.  Some of you might roll your eyes and say this is a Chick-Fil-A bias on my part, to which I retort, fuck you: waffle fries stand on their own and I will not put up with assholes that dare slander this culinary treat.

2. Curly Fries

Ah yes, spiced AND curly.  Curly fries are a motherfuckin' dual threat.  I was introduced to these at a young age thanks to Arby's, but any time I'm at a bar where curly fries are an option for a side I swing for the fences.  Perhaps the most amazing thing about curly fries is that they taste so much better when you order regular fries and somehow, a curly fry got in there.  This phenomenon is otherwise known as "The accidental curly fry."

1. Cajun Fries

Oh fuck yes.  Cajun fries are probably one of the most notable items on the Five Guys menu and they are spectacular.  Something about the way they're seasoned, the fact that they come in a cup that is overfilled so it spills into the brown greasy bag, you just can't quite pinpoint the source of their greatness.  Yes, after eating even a little order of Cajun fries I feel like lazy piece of shit that needs to not do anything for the rest of the day, but man, it's fucking worth it.

There you have it.  French Fry power rankings.  You're allowed to disagree, that's you're right.  It's also my right to not give a shit about how you would order them.  K, bye.