I have new found motivation to not become a fat piece of shit

The reason I like working out and eating sensible portions of fast food used to be health related.  My attitude is that you only get one body in this life, so it makes sense to take care of it.  It's not a car you can beat to shit then say "Ah, fuck it, it's a rental."

My motivation for not becoming a pile of garbage was realized when I volunteered this past Saturday with the Superhealers of Colorado at the Denver Pop Culture Con.  I dressed up as Spiderman and it was fucking awesome.  Kids wanting to take pictures with you because you bought a $50 costume off of Amazon is pretty cool.  Most kids are shy around strangers.  Not when they see Spiderman though.  They would just come up and hug me around the legs.  Wild stuff.

What's this motivation I speak of?  This thing is fucking skin tight.  If I were to put on this costume then eat a grape, you'd probably see my waistline expand.  I'm not fucking kidding.  I had a blast volunteering, so now I need to make sure I can squeeze my ass into this thing as long as possible.

Best questions I was asked at Pop Culture Con by kids?

Q: Are you the real Spiderman actor?

A: No.

Q: Can you do a backflip?

A: No.

Actually, I just thought of this, if I get out of shape, all is not lost.  I can always transform into divorced beer gut Peter Parker:

Boom.  Problem solved.  Time to have another slice of pizza.

Samsung making a phone that can charge other phones is the dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen

Samsung being the ever anti-Apple company has this commercial where their new phone can charge other phones:

Hold the fuck up.  I don't know anyone that would let someone drain their battery to charge someone else's phone, let alone a total stranger.  Fuck that noise.  How many times are you out and people are asking if someone has a portable charger, or if the bartender can plug in their phone behind the bar for a little bit.  Getting a phone charge is like fucking crack - people need it.  You can be damn sure no one is gonna give up their valuable battery while out and about.  I mean, how will I update my instagram story or put a fucking doggy filter on my face?

If you think I'm screwing around, I'm not - check out this picture of my friend John.  We were walking around Atlanta and we ducked into a hotel so he could charge his phone.

What a fucking savage move.  Look Samsung, good idea, but you overestimated the generosity of the human spirit.  LOL.  Fuck Samsung and their green texts.

SOURCES: Pizza tastes better when it's free

Last month I blogged about how I was gonna get a free pizza from Domino's.  Today is my victory lap as I get to enjoy the fruits of my Labor from taking 6 photos of pizza and earning pizza points.  Now, if the picture above looks a little funny like the toppings are just laid at the top, well, it's because I'm a dumbass and I fucked up ordering my pizza.  Looks like my toppings didn't take and a cheese pizza came out.  Shout out to Domino's though for giving me the raw topping to put on top and nuke.

Also, if you don't like pineapple on your pizza, you're welcome to fuck off any time.

McDonald's acting like they just discovered putting bacon on their burgers is why they fucking suck

OMG! Let's put bacon on our shitty Big Mac and it'll be awesome!  What a fucking novel idea.  Look at McDonald's shelling out on mid-tier comedians in their new ad campaign for bacon - the magical meat that every other fast food joint uses liberally and McDonald's is so late to the fucking game:

Gee, I don't know, Wendy's has had the Big Bacon Classic and Baconator on their menus forever and now the dickheads at McDonald's are like "Hey, we should put bacon on our burgers!"  I can only imagine what the discussion in the C-Suite at the house Ronald McDonald built was like.

Stay with me here.  When's the last time you intentionally went to McDonald's for a meal?  The answer is probably never.  It's the place you stop after driving on the highway for 6 hours and just need some fucking food.  It's a place you hit up in the airport because the line is the shortest.  It's the place you go at 2AM after a night of drinking because it's walking distance and you'd have to take an Uber to go toTaco Bell.

There are two reasons I'll go out of my way to a McDonald's:

That's it.  Also, shoutout to me for having bacon be a steady part of my diet.

I'm gonna scam Domino's out of a free pizza and this is the most excited I've been about anything in my life

So I was watching this commercial the other night when I thought, "Hey, that's cool, eat pizza from places other than Domino's and work your way towards a free Domino's pizza."  Neat little promo.  Then I remembered this scene from Silicon Valley:

This got me thinking if Domino's app could tell the difference between an actual pizza and a picture of a pizza.  So I tried scanning this picture with the app:

Here's the result:

Now, Domino's is smart enough to limit this to once a week, points expire 6 months from the first scan, and the promo is over in late April.  And you're limited to one free pie.  But hey, 5 weeks from now after scanning a bunch of images of pizza, I'll be getting a free one from Dominos.

Spencer 1
Dominos 0

I hated Tom Brady before hating Tom Brady was a thing

First of all, what a wild Sunday.  It's not often matchups like this live up to the hype, but both going into overtime was just bananas.  With the Patriots win of course, gleeful New England fans are pointing out that this is Tom Brady's 9th (!!!) Super Bowl appearance, and all the people sick of Tom Brady now get to voice their disdain.  I just want to point out that I was hating this motherfucker back in college (because I'm old).

[Begin scene] It's 1999 and a Penn State team that many thought could win the National Championship is coming off a devastating 2-point loss at home to Minnesota.  With the Big Ten title and a Rose Bowl berth still possible, a win against visiting Michigan was crucial.  At this point, Tom Brady was a relative unknown and was only pulling average ass for a Division I QB1.  Penn State led 27-17 late in the 4th quarter and I was feeling it.  Until this happened:

(TD scoring plays)

I'm pretty sure something like "MOTHERFUCKER" ran through my head.  Final score Michigan 31, Penn State 27.

Little did I know this was just the beginning of the Tom Brady torment.  As a Steelers fan there have been quite a few PIT-NE matchups in the Tom Brady era.  Let's check the results:

That graphic is a little hard to read, but fuck, that's a lot of "L"s in the result column, including 3 in the AFC championship game, two of which were at Pittsburgh.  Goddammit.  Anyone who calls this a rivalry thinks a hooker and her heavy-handed pimp have a competitive rivalry too.

But hey, I'm a (sometimes) rational human being and have to give credit where credit is due.  Bill Belichick knew what he had in Tom Brady.  In Brady's rookie year, Belichick kept FOUR quarterbacks.  That is insane when you think about that now.  Belichick was not going to release him and sign him to the practice squad and risk losing him on a waiver claim from another team.  He knew what he had in Brady before anyone else did.  He wasn't going to make the mistake a team like Atlanta did in trading Brett Favre to the Packers.  One of my favorite Tom Brady stories is that after his first SB win, Tara Reid had her agent contact Tom Brady's agent to set up a date.  Tom Brady turned her down.  He knew he could do better (and did).  For you younger Millennials out there who don't know who Tara Reid is, she's a washed up actress who's best known for playing a high school kid who got admitted to Cornell in the teen movie "American Pie."  In hindsight, the Cornell admission is probably the least believable thing about the movie.

All this hate for Tom Brady has a word for it: respect.  Think about it, he's been so good for so long that people are sick of him and hate him.  I don't hate Indiana's shitty football team and I don't hate the male porn star with a 5-inch penis.  There's no reason to hate either.

There was no reason to hate this guy:

But man, people hate this guy:

...and they REALLY hate this motherfucker:

So respect to Tom Brady, we're not all that different you and me.  Just a couple of Big Ten grads trying to make it in this world.  Really debatable who's winning at this point.

A Peloton Bike seems like the worst fucking gift you can get your wife/girlfriend/current slam piece

Merry Christmas motherfuckers!  This Peloton commercial below is downright ridiculous.  Just watch:

A lot to unpack here in 30 seconds:

1) The man is a fucking toolbag.  Who sneaks off to a shed to ride a Peleton in secret?  More likely, that's his whack shack where he sneaks off to his 3 monitor PornHub setup.

2) The woman's reaction is total horseshit.  No way would a woman be so happy to get a $2000 exercise bike for Christmas.  Especially after that dickhead probably left his taint-sweat all over it without wiping it down.  Sure there may be SOME women hat are REALLY into cycling and REALLY want one, but buddy, you sure as fuck better let her explicitly tell you that.  Getting your girl a Peloton bike is the same as saying "honey, when we first met, I could bounce a quarter off of your ass, so let's get back to that."

I'm not buying this marketing campaign from Peloton at all.  Fuck those guys, and Merry Christmas to everyone else.  Don't buy a goddam Peloton for Christmas.