I eat bacon every morning and I'm as healthy as a fucking horse

It always cracks me up when people say bacon is too fatty, isn't good for you, blah blah blah, shut the fuck up.  I eat two hard boiled eggs and three strips of bacon everyday (when I'm at home) and I recently had a physical and had my blood work done.  What were the results?  See for yourself:

Your laboratory data is excellent.  There is no evidence of Cushing's disease.  Your blood glucose, kidney and liver tests, blood count are all normal.  Hepatitis C, syphilis tests, HIV are negative.  He had excellent cholesterol with a very high HDL or good cholesterol 97; the LDL or bad cholesterol is only 109.

EAT SHIT anit-bacon people.  So the first few lines don't have anything to do with me eating bacon all the time, just wanted to include them in case any single ladies were reading this to let them know I don't have any of those fucking STDs. Sup?

For those of you who aren't impressed by my cholesterol numbers (even though you should be), let's take a look at this chart:

I'd like to take a moment to point out what total bullshit the "Total Cholesterol" number is.  My total number is 206.  According to the chart on the left, I'm in the white borderline area.  When you break out my good and bad cholesterol, you'll see my LDL of 109 is squarely in the "Good" area.  You want to talk about my HDL?  My 97 is crushing it as 65 is "protective" against heart disease.  What's the takeaway here?

Total Cholesterol: Fuck you, you're meaningless.

The only thing that makes me feel a little bad about eating so much bacon is looking at pictures of these cute guys:

But not bad enough to stop eating bacon.