This Libel-ridden article about La Croix can suck my dick

Men's Health has this brand called "Eat this, not That" as a resource to inform that you don't have to give up your favorite fast food joints, you just have to give up the best stuff there.  It's fucking bullshit.  Seriously - look at this BULLSHIT list of things they say you should order at my beloved Chick-Fil-A.  Anyone who orders the grilled stuff is a fucking fascist.

Now that I've totally destroyed their credibility, this article about La Croix is troubling.  La Croix is crack-in-a-can.  I drink a lot of it, it's fizzy, it's refreshing.  What's not to like?  According to the dickheads at Men's Health, this:

Full Article

Due to their acidic pH, flavored sparkling waters can be nearly as corrosive as orange juice when exposed to human teeth for just 30 minutes, according to researchers at the University of Birmingham and Birmingham Dental Hospital. In their 2007 study, the researchers concluded: "It would be inappropriate to consider these flavored sparkling waters as a healthy dental alternative to other acidic drinks." Note — the authors said dental not nutritious.

It’s important to note that this study was done in a controlled lab setting, and the authors mentioned that the effects of sparkling water on enamel erosion in real life would depend on both the amount of drink consumed and its frequency.

According to the LaCroix website, the pH level of LaCroix Sparkling Waters varies by flavor, but overall they are less acidic than traditional soft drinks and juice drinks, so this particular brand might not be as bad as the seltzers analyzed in this specific study.

Allow me to retort:

But wait - there's more!

A study published in the journal Obesity Research and Clinical Practice found that rats who drank fizzy drinks ate more and gained more weight over a 6-month period than rats who drank flat soda or plain water. The rodents who drank the carbonated beverages had more of the appetite-increasing hormone ghrelin, which can cause you to eat more. However, the researchers noted that weight gain can’t be entirely attributed to fizzy beverages and instead “caused by multiple environmental, social and lifestyle factors, rather than carbonation on its own.”

Your studies can eat a dick.  This ruined my fucking day.  Will I drink less La Croix because of this?  Probably, because I'm a pussy and I believe everything I read on the internet.

Fuck.

I'm 99% sure I just avoided a catfish situation

Just a low-key Sunday afternoon, taking care of some errands and caught a matinee show of Baywatch (I was the only person in the theater, but don't let the haters fool you - it's not as bad as the Rotten Tomatoes rating of 20%).  Anyway, I had this girl you see above match with me on Hinge from one of her pictures I liked before.  Her profile was somewhat boring, nothing really to start a conversation on, so I just liked one of her pictures last week and kept living my life.  But then today, she opened the conversation with this killer line:

Yeah - what the fuck.  Anyway, the one good thing about Hinge is that it gives you the person you match with's full name, so you can stalk look her up on Facebook.  Nothing too revealing, but then something caught my eye:

What kind of 27-year-old woman has only 16 fucking friends on Facebook?  Something doesn't feel right here.  Oh, but it gets better, check out her "Friends":

HARD FUCKING PASS - what the fuck.  Unmatch and be glad I'm not going to wake up in a bathtub with a kidney missing.  If anyone asks me how my weekend was, I'll honestly reply "I wasn't raped with a broom handle in a back alley, so it was a good weekend."

Does stuffing a credit card offer back into the envelope with nothing filled out (and sending it back) make me an asshole?

Probably.  Most people would just throw these unsolicited credit card offers in the trash or recycling bin.  I'm not most people.  Someone has to tell these companies what a shitty idea direct mail is for credit cards.  I've decided to carry that torch by sending this shit back in their prepaid envelope (which they have to pay for) and someone has to open the envelope and say "What the fuck?" while going through the unfilled out form, the envelope that all these forms were sent in, and maaaaaybe a tissue I blew my nose in.

Look, direct mail works for some customers.  Mainly those who don't use/trust the internet and respond to shit like "0% APR for 21 months on your balance transfer" when it's printed on a fucking envelope.  Those people tend to be older.  Credit card companies have a shitload of data, so they have to know that I'm in my 30's and probably have all the porn sites I've browsed in the last 15 years sorted and indexed.  I am not the audience for your fucking direct mail, but I'll gladly take the time to stuff the envelope and send it back to you to break the monotony of someone's day.

I'm sorry - how the fuck is Mapquest still a thing?

Kids these days, they don't know the struggle.  Everyone looks shit up on their phones if they need directions somewhere.  There was a time when you went onto a site called Mapquest and printed out directions.  That was a long time ago.  So you can understand my shock that this site is still around.

Check this shit out

I mean, yeah it offers functionality like Googlemaps, but the problem is, I sure as fuck am not creating an account to save desitinations and what not when Googlemaps does that shit with your Google sign in.  Perhaps these guys need to market/target to people with AOL email addresses.

It gets better, turns out Mapquest is located right here in Denver, CO!

Good to know I can still print out directions.  They haven't forgotten where they come from.

Man, what a piece of shit.