Look at this fucking poster. "Rethink your heroes" and then you've got the Decepticon purple in Optimus Prime's eyes. It gets better. Take a look at this trailer:
WHAT KIND OF FUCKING ASSHOLE BODYSLAMS BUMBLE BEE? Bumble Bee was the first transformer toy I had when I was a kid. Yes, it was a piece of shit and broke after a few months, but I still thought Bumble Bee was the shit. As for Optimus Prime going full heel as if Michale Bay decided to turn the Transformers franchise into the WWE, this is the Optimus Prime I remember from my child hood:
Just going full HAM on the Decepticons and giving zero fucks. Does that song sound familiar? It should:
Is it a coincidence that Mark Wahlberg sang "you got the touch" in Boogie Nights, the same song Optimus Prime wrecks house to, and Mark Wahlberg is in this latest installment of Transformers? I don't fucking think so.
As for Michael Bay, I'll just leave you with this question posed by Trey Parker and Matt Stone in Team America: World Police: "Why does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies?"
Amazon Prime is the best. Hands down. I have a white elephant party this Friday and forgot to buy wrapping paper for my gift. I thought I would have to endure an after work trip to Target, when I realized, why don't I just order that shit on Amazon? It'll be here by Thursday just in time for a half ass wrap job. But you know what's better than Amazon Prime? $49 Amazon Prime, because I'm getting the student rate, as you may or may not recall my exploits at an online university.
Since I'm getting in the Christmas spirit, let's play the greatest Christmas duet of ALL TIME:
There's a lot of estrogen in that video, and 83% of it is coming from Justin Bieber.
The Big Ten has had a throwback year to the late 90's and laid claim to the best conference in college Football. With that comes some complications as they had four teams in the CFP top 10 rankings all of which were in contention for the Big Ten crown coming into yesterday, and oddly enough, the best Big Ten team Ohio State, did not control their own destiny. There's been a lot of talk about what does the committee do with an 11-1 team that doesn't win its own division, but has wins over Oklahoma, Wisconsin, Nebraska and Michigan on its resume?
That's a question the committee wanted to avoid, so for them it would be simple: If Michigan won in Columbus yesterday, it would have eliminated Ohio State and Penn State from the CFP picture and set up a clean winner-take-all scenario between Michigan and Wisconsin in the Big Ten title game.
So when this was happening:
You know the committee was like:
But then this happened:
And then the committee was like:
And of course, this happened:
And then the committee was like:
After the dust settled from that epic game in Columbus, I'm sure a committee member who's a glass-half-full kind of guy piped up: "Wait a second! If Michigan State beats Penn State, then Ohio State will play Wisconsin and we only need to put one Big Ten team in the playoffs!" So they flip the channel to ESPN and see:
And the roller coster of emotions continues:
But of course all good things come to an end:
And then the committee does this:
So this is what the CFP committee is dealing with right now. Alabama is a mortal lock. Nick Saban could walk to mid-field before the SEC title game and take a shit on the 50-yard line, tell the head referee he just had sex with his wife, and walk of the field and forfeit the game and they'd still be the No.1 seed. So at least the committee has that going for them. After that it becomes much less clear. Washington was left for dead after getting worked by USC a few weeks ago, but they just destroyed Washington State setting up an opportunity for another quality win against Colorado in the PAC-12 championship game. The debate I alluded to earlier is now what the hell to do with the Big Ten. Two highly ranked teams in Wisconsin and Penn State play for the Big Ten Crown, and you have 11-1 Ohio State. Flying under the radar a bit is Clemson. Just a few weeks ago they were a shoe-in, but they were only ranked 4 in the latest rankings, and their resume has continued to take a hit as Louisville has decided to phone it in and lose to Houston and Kentucky in consecutive weeks. Now Clemson's best wins are against 8-4 Auburn, 9-3 Florida State, and 9-3 Louisville. They could be the odd team out even if they win the ACC.
What I love about this mess is that everyone thinks they're a fucking genius by saying "Hey, this is why they should have eight teams in the playoffs!" Right. So you can be like this guy:
Making an eight team field would just push the controversy down further and you'd have the teams around 9-10 making the case why they should be "playing for a national championship" and be in the eight team field. My opinion here is that teams ranked 5-8 don't deserve to play for the fucking national championship. College football has the most crucial regular season in sports (don't even bring up the EPL and how they don't have playoffs. I'm not here to discuss a European sport) and letting eight teams into the field would diminish the importance. Look at College Basketball. There are 34 at-large bids, and you ALWAYS have some team bitching about how they deserved that last 12 or 13 seed. Get the fuck out of here. That's why I don't start paying attention to College Basketball until after the Super Bowl. College Football? I'm paying attention from week 1.
But hey, after all this craziness, Michigan fans can take solace now that they've fucked Ohio State two years in a row after losing a conference game before playing Ohio State.
Last year, it was this:
If the Michigan Punter doesn't lose his fucking mind and just falls on the football, Ohio State goes to the Big Ten title game. Instead, MSU wins the tie break, wins the Big Ten, then gets put in a body bag by Alabama in the playoffs.
This year Michigan's loss to Iowa screwed Ohio State. If Michigan were unbeaten, an Ohio State win would have created a three-way tie between Michigan, Penn State, and Ohio State. Penn State would have been eliminated due to overall record, leaving Ohio State to take the head-to-head over Michigan.
So even in losing, Michigan fans can smirk at Ohio State being held out of the Big Ten title game. Man, I fucking love college football.
Where do I begin? So they say Chef C.K. Peng created General Tso's chicken in Taiwan, so why the hell do they have the plane graphic originating in China? Are they trying to illustrate that Chef C.K. Peng fled communist China to Taiwan to give birth to the Tso's chicken? I'm sorry, I just have to call bullshit on some chef creating General Tso's in Asia. If you go to Asia and ask for General Tso's chicken, they'll look at you like you have a dick growing out of your forehead. It's a completely American fabrication. Just like the fortune cookie.
I also like how they vaguely saying in the early 70's Chef T.T. Want brought General Tso's chicken to the US. Kind of a timeline gap there if you ask me. Then the arrows shooting all over the place as if NYC was the hub of General Tso's chicken is just fantastic. As if they're blessing all corners of the US with that delicious chicken. A+ depiction of the Rocky Mountains.
Finally, my favorite fucking part of all this is how they say in LA, 2016 "Panda Express Introduces America's favorite General Tso's chicken". A little behind the times, are we? Did you guys just find out about the polio vaccine too? Practically every fucking Chinese restaurant you set foot in has a version of the General's chicken, and the places that don't serve it don't exist anymore because I went there, got viscerally angry when I didn't see it on the menu, then burned the place to the ground. "Introducing" General Tso's chicken in 2016 reminds me of this guy:
Oh, and the best General Tso's I've ever had is hands down this place:
Do yourself a favor and pop in if you ever find yourself in State College, PA, or enroll in a graduate program at Penn State and relocate so you can eat the best fucking General Tso's chicken in the world and feel what it's like to have an orgasm in your mouth without sucking a dick. It's totally worth it. I've been all over the US and the rest of this fucking planet and I have still not found a better General Tso's.
It's finally happened. The people of Glendale finally have everything they need on one block: strip clubs and good chicken. This location opened on Wednesday and I went in there for my maiden voyage yesterday. What did I order? A medium nugget tray of course. I don't fuck around. I'm going to plead the fifth as to whether I brought that to a party or if I just went home and ate my feelings while watching college football. You'll never know.
I'm pretty proud of myself about this one. I think I've discovered a new dress code: "80's cop business professional." When you show up to a partner or client meeting, you immediately send the message that you are not here to fuck around, but to get shit done and eat a jelly doughnut.
If you don't find this remotely amusing, you're probably a millennial that wasn't alive in the 80's (or if you were, you didn't have full control of your bowels, so that really doesn't count). Let me educate you and show you the look I was going for:
The only way this could have been better if I found someone to dress up as Tubbs. And while we're on the topic of cops who wear cool suits with T-shirts, how the fuck did Moonbeam City not get picked up for a 2nd season by Comedy Central? Show is hilarious, and the theme song is the shit and that alone should have been reason enough for it to be renewed. HIT IT!
Good luck not jamming out to that for the rest of your life.
Two teams with four losses each heading into week 8, it doesn't get much shittier than this. Thursday Night Football is the NFL's version of the participation ribbon. Good teams get to play on Sunday Night and Monday Night, you know, because NBC and ESPN actually give a fuck about ratings for nationally televised games. The NFL though? Money's the bottom line at the player's expense. None of the fucking players like to play on Thursday on a short week during the season. The only exceptions should be opening night and Thanksgiving. Get it back to where it was. But no, the NFL decided to create Thursday Night Football so that each team gets to play at lease one prime time game a year. That's fucking bullshit - if you want to play in primetime, be a good team. There's a reason the Browns have never played on Sunday Night Football (since it moved to NBC - I didn't fact check that, but I'm pretty confident that's the case).
But hey, it could be worse. I'll give the NFL credit, since they know both of these teams suck, they schedule their one primetime game against each other so that we don't have to suffer through two Thursday nights featuring the shit teams of the AFC South. Good going Goodell!
I think the worse part of all is the timing, if Game 3 of the World Series was on, sports fans would have something good to watch. Instead, hardcore gamblers and daily fantasy players will be stuck watching this piece of shit.
Well, at least we have these ugly as fuck color rush uniforms to look forward to:
Oh, and some asshole with more time on his hands than I have made a fucking Titans-Jags hype video. Burn in hell.
Last night was fucking crazy. No one saw this coming. Ohio State was not on "upset alert". This was the No. 2 team in the country in late October, not the No. 2 team in the 2nd week of September. The body of work was there. This was a team that waltzed into Norman and demolished Oklahoma 45-24. They blasted an awful Rutgers team 58-0. They escaped Wisconsin with a 30-23 win at night on the road. Yes, Happy Valley at night is a tough place to play, but it's not supposed to over compensate for talent by that much. Not when you're facing an Urban Meyer coached team who's won 20 straight games and eats Papa John's to celebrate in the bowels of your stadium:
This was a Penn State squad that looked absolutely lifeless in a 49-10 beat down at Michigan. Yes, they looked better after wins against Minnesota and Maryland, but those teams are not Ohio State. Perhaps it's the scheduling gods that made this happen. Ohio State had back-to-back road night games in the Big Ten. I can't remember that happening recently. Penn State hadn't been on the road since that Sept 24 loss to Michigan and had two weeks to prepare for Ohio State. Not that an open week really helps when you look at these stats:
But this is why sometimes in football, stats don't mean shit. Special teams decided this game, and special teams don't make the stat sheet. Watching this game early, I was nervous when Penn State's first drive ended in a blocked field goal, and then they muffed a punt that led to Ohio State's first field goal. You can't do that shit against Ohio State and expect to win. When the game was 12-7 at the half, it was obvious points were at a premium. That's why when Ohio State struck quickly to make it 19-7, then Penn State had another special teams miscue that sent the snap over the punter's head into the end zone for a safety (crucial recovery by the way) and made the score 21-7, it felt like I'd seen this script before. This is where Ohio State silences the crowd and takes breaks the game wide open. That was going to happen...until it didn't. If you're keeping track, Penn State's special teams miscues equaled an 8 point swing. What happened next was downright incredible. With the score 21-14, Ohio State had a blocked punt that led to a field goal, making it 21-17. It was nuts to think that the safety could be the difference since a field goal now would do Penn State no good. Everybody knows what the next huge special teams play was:
I've bashed James Franklin here before, and while I'm not completely onboard, this win showed giant progress. He's saved his job last night unless there's a giant collapse and Penn State goes 2-3 the rest of the way. There isn't a ranked team left on the schedule. 10-2 and a New Year's six bowl is a reachable goal after two lousy 7-6 seasons. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but this is what's expected at Penn State. Last year's team was 7-2 after nine games, but that was a mirage since they finished the season with 3 straight losses to ranked opponents. The schedule isn't back loaded the same way. As for the Big Ten East race, this upset doesn't shake it up that much. It still comes down to Ohio State-Michigan, since in a 3-way tie for the division, Penn State is out because it has a non-conference loss (to FUCKING PITT) and Ohio State would win the head-to-head with Michigan.
Teams have been left for dead after an upset loss, only to win a national championship that same year because other teams can't sustain the success (Alabama comes to mind). I'm going to enjoy this win for a while, even if it doesn't shake up the playoff picture THAT much.
I love G&M crab cakes, but eat a dick, Maryland. This is my last chance to gloat for a couple of weeks because Penn State is off next Saturday, followed by the inevitable skull-fucking by Ohio State. *sigh* Pinstripe Bowl, here we come!
If you're not impressed by my 1.75 GPA at an online university you don't have a pulse. This shit ain't graded on a curve like those brick-and-mortar schools. Need to get a legit 80% to pull a B. Needless to say, I haven't been doing much of that.
You're probably wondering what the hell I'm doing trying to get an MPA at an online university. Well, there's this thing called the GI Bill. As of last summer, I had about 20 months left after grad school. One of the benefits is that you get a living stipend when you're enrolled as a full-time student, even if it's online. Well fuck, do the math, I'm leaving cash on the table by not trying to get a third graduate degree.
Let's be real, online, for-profit universities are making a mockery of higher education, so I've decided to flip the script and make a mockery of them. Hell, ITT tech has shut down, this place can't be far behind. Besides, this isn't costing me a dime. The GI Bill pays for my tuition while padding my hookers and blowChick-Fil-A budget.
Besides, getting emails like this just brings a smile to my face:
1.75 > 1.50
I'm making progress. Just hope I can exhaust that GI Bill before I get expelled by a for-profit online university.
Ladies and gentleman, that is the next head coach at a major program come 2017. The question is where? Many thought he'd make the jump last year after guiding Houston to a 12-1 season and a victory over Florida State in the Peach Bowl. Herman didn't leave because he's a smart guy. He doesn't want to coach some shit program in a power five conference like Kansas or Washington State (though you gotta respect former Washington State coach for how he pissed away the Alabama job).
No - Herman knows he's an offensive genius that was able to devise a game plan that propelled Ohio State to three straight post-season wins en route to the 2014 National Championship. He won those games with 3rd stringer Cardale Jones who now owes Herman Christmas cards for life, because after that stretch he got on the radar of the NFL for his Jamarcus Russell like physical talents. He imploded a little before Jamarcus Russell though by losing his job to JT Barrett last year and is now 3rd on the Buffalo Bills depth chart behind Tyrod Taylor and EJ Manuel. Man, that must really suck to peak in life as a redshirt sophomore.
Here are the top 4 jobs that I think will be open this offseason and I'll rank them in how good of an opportunity it is for our boy Herman. (Disclaimer: This is assuming the Big 12 is run by a bunch of pussies and that they expand to 12 teams by inviting Cincinnati and BYU and give Houston the middle finger.)
4. Notre Dame
You might be thinking, wait, wasn't Notre Dame good last year? Brian Kelly isn't going to get fired. Here's the thing, Brian Kelly's biggest accomplishment since he took over in 2010 was making it to the National Championship game in 2012 with a star linebacker who had an imaginary girlfriend. Let's take a look at his body of work at Notre Dame:
Touchdown Jesus doesn't pray for 8-5 seasons and berths in the Champs Sports bowl. Kelly has gotten a fair shake, and he's shown he can't do much. This year is an absolute dumpster fire. Notre Dame is 2-3 with losses to Texas (who looks like shit after losses to Cal and Oklahoma St.), Michigan State (who looks like shit after losing on the road to Indiana), and Duke. FUCKING DUKE!!! Needless to say Notre Dame will be looking for a head coach at the end of the season. Kelly knows this, which is why he fired his defensive coordinator following the Duke loss, but Notre Dame is the Titanic and the whole coaching staff is going with it.
3. Penn State
Let's be honest, hiring James Franklin for his track record at Vanderbilt was a regrettable mistake like letting Michael Bay make a 4th Transformers movie. People point to Franklin's back-to-back 9-4 finishes with Vandy in the SEC and wonder why that success doesn't translate to Penn State in the Big Ten. Well, here's why:
The 9-4 masks the fact that he finished 6th in the SEC East two years in a row. Look at the schedule, the only ranked team he beat in two years was Georgia in 2013, and that's a UGA squad that ended up 8-5, so it's not like Vanderbilt handed them their only loss. Also, when you look at the schedule again, you'll notice the SEC West heavyweights such as Alabama and LSU are conveniently off the schedule.
If for no other reason, Penn State needs to fire James Franklin because he looks like a fucking used car salesman:
2. LSU
This is probably the most aggressive move by a school gunning for Tom Herman. Firing Les Miles in the middle of the season sends the message "Fuck this season, we want to show Tom Herman we're serious about hiring him." They promoted D-Line coach Ed Orgeron to interim head coach to show that they're not serious about promoting within. Orgeron got fucked by USC when he got the interim tag after Joey Freshwater Lane Kiffin was pulled off the team bus and fired at LAX. Orgeron led USC to a 6-2 record the rest of the way only for the administration to prefer to hire an alcoholic. Orgeron is a good dude who deserves better. He needs to get his resume ready though.
1. Texas
Charlie Strong is as good as fired. An opening season win against Notre Dame (see above) prompted the college world to overreact and proclaim that "Texas is back!" Calm down people. We now know that Notre Dame is a dogshit team, and losses to Cal and Oklahoma State aren't a good look. Maybe Strong pulls another Red River Rivalry win out of his ass to save his job (again), but I don't think it's going to be enough. If for no other reason, it's a good move to fire Strong because Herman's available.
The reason I think Texas is No.1 is because it just makes sense. It's a storied program and Tom Herman has made serious inroads in the Houston area for recruiting. Being the head coach at Texas will allow him to stretch across the whole talent rich state while also bringing all his Houston area recruits to Austin with him. If the Big 12 tries to keep Houston out of the Big 12, Herman should just take the Texas coaching job and unleash hell on the schools that didn't want him coaching a Houston team in that conference. It's a perfect way to say "fuck you" to the programs trying to cockblock Houston while restoring Texas back to glory. It also doesn't hurt that Charlie Strong is a pretty easy act to follow.
There you have it. This is just my opinion, but it's true.
I've been doing this for the last three years or so and it's been awesome. $35 to not have to have your vision fucked up for the rest of the day and looking like a total dickbag when you go back to work wearing sunglasses inside? Yes please, all day. In fact, $35 is a steal. I'd pay $35 and give a homeless guy a handjob to not have to my pupils dilated once a year. This is why I work hard all week - so I can ball out at the optometrist and make it rain with a $35 credit card payment.
Winner of the All-Star game gets home field. What a crock of shit. The fact that there are players that won't even sniff the World Series have a hand in determining who has home field is insane. You know what they did before that? They simply alternated home field between the NL and AL. REALLY? Here's a fucking novel idea: the team with the better record gets home field. The NBA does that and it seems fair that the best team in the league guarantees itself home field for as long as their in the playoffs. But seriously, I shouldn't be surprised. After all, the MLB All-Star game also requires that each team is represented in the All-Star game, even if some teams suck major dick and have no one worthy of an All-Star appearance, someone is going. I'm shocked this is still a rule. This isn't little league where everyone gets a participation ribbon. THIS IS MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL.
Look at that picture and tell me if it makes any fucking sense that they give you both keys on a wire when you rent a car. It's nonsense. There is zero benefit other than the fact that you now have to carry around both keys like a fucking idiot.
Lost your keys? You're fucked because you lost the spare too. Locked them in the car? Yep, go fuck yourself and call a locksmith because you can see both of the keys from the car window.
You might ask yourself, who locks their keys in their car anymore since you lock it from outside with a remote? Glad you ask, because that brings me to my next point: it should be illegal for a car company to rent you a shitty car without keyless entry. We live in a society, we're not savages, this isn't Thunderdome. Having to lock your car from inside the door and having to use the key to open the trunk is one step away from going back to the stone age.
Fuck you Dollar Rent-A-Car for renting me that piece of shit Toyota and not splurging for keyless entry.
It's not what you think. Most people hate Monday's because it's back to the grind. Back to working for a living so you can afford to be a stupid idiot on the weekend. But you know why Monday's are okay with me? It's the first day of the week I can get Chick-Fil-A. Seriously, Sunday's are the longest 24 hours when you're craving that Chick-Fil-A so when Monday rolls around, I feel like a fucking kid on Christmas morning. It's that damn good.
This is what Heaven must look like I just jizzed in my pants probably the most underrated part of Chick-Fil-A
Way fucking better than those shitty packets you'd get at McDonald's or Burger King.
Oh yeah, the new Chick-Fil-A app is diabolical. I work in marketing so I know what they're up to with that loyalty shit, yet just like Admiral Ackbar, I've fallen into the trap. They've succeeded in making me think I'm accomplishing something when I eat Chick-Fil-A. That accomplishment is that I'm closer to getting more Chick-Fil-A for free. Fucking genius.
I know there are a lot of people who hate on LeBron, hate the fact that he left Cleveland, and just hate him because they need someone to hate. I'll admit, I was in the group that thought he was a villain for ditching out on Cleveland and joining forces with D-Wade and Bosh to form that super team in South Beach. "The Decision" on ESPN was just short of a crime against humanity. I enjoyed watching him lose in his first trip to the finals against the Mavericks.
But when he signed with Cleveland two years ago, how could you not be a fan?
Some people say he never should have left, but I disagree: He won two rings in Miami, probably wins zero if he stays in Cleveland those four years. Also, sometimes the darkest moment before dawn is a blessing, as Cleveland's horrific seasons yielded Kyrie Erving in the lottery (I'll ignore the fact that they completely fucked up in drafting Anthony Bennett with the other No.1 overall pick).
What I admire the most about all this is that superstars usually go for the money, or to position themselves to win a championship. LeBron did the latter when he bolted to Miami, and when he announced his return to Cleveland, he wasn't looking for his 3rd ring. He was looking for Cleveland's 1st. That's what his legacy would be. Coming back to Cleveland for sentimental reasons is unprecedented in pro sports. That's why I love this story.
So here I am sitting in my air conditioned apartment on a lazy Sunday afternoon in my sweatpants awaiting the orgy of TV that will come later tonight (Game 7, GoT) and I see this in my Facebook Feed:
My First thought was, "These guys still have jobs?" Don't get me wrong I played High School Volleyball in upstate New York which was about as masculine as male figure skating, and as such, I loved the AVP growing up in the 90's when Karch Kiraly and Kent Steffes were dominating the tour and you basically fell out of your chair anytime they didn't win a tournament, but last I heard, the AVP went bankrupt. Naturally I do all my fact checking on Wikipedia:
It looks like they don't spell it out clearly, but looking at the timeline there isn't much news between 2007 and 2012. Based on my own personal experience, I know there was an AVP event in 2009 since I volunteered at an event in Phoenix:
Wikipedia says that the tour came back in in 2012, which I estimate to mean they were broke from 2010-2012. Personally, I think financial troubles hit way before that. I remember Karch and Kent dominating the tour and pulling down $400K a piece a year, but there were still 9 or 10 other guys making six figures - there was plenty of prize money to go around. Then I remember seeing a blurb in 2000 how the top AVP money earner was David Swatik (a guy who was a setter at UCLA...only volleyball nerds like myself know this stuff) checking in at $91,000. 91 Grand is nothing to sneeze at, but that's a pretty big drop off. At that declining rate, by my calculations, the top prize for winning a tournament in 2016 is an over-the-pants handy.
Anyway, this is the AVP I remember:
Karch Kiraly wearing that bad ass pink hat and giving zero fucks. Being a fantastic blocker despite the fact that he's only 6'2", carrying that future Stanford MBA Kent Steffes on his back because while Karch won with other partners later in his career, Kent didn't win shit without Karch. Either way, the KK tandem was responsible for taking food off the table of the other teams because they just won so damn much.
Now this is the current picture on the AVP website:
What the hell? Other than the fact that one of the women is holding a volleyball, I wouldn't have guessed that I was looking at professional athletes. These people look like bit characters on Law & Order: SVU. Dude in the backwards baseball hat would be cast as a Heroin addict, guys on the ends would be extra uniformed cops who aren't important enough to get a line in the show, woman in the middle with the ball is the mom of a victim, and I guess the woman to the right of her could play her daughter. The last remaining person to cast? Oh what the hell, lets maker her the stripper/hooker who's trying to get her life back together. That always spices up an episode of SVU and gives Benson someone to save.
Anyway - the whole point is the AVP is still alive and kicking, though I think it's behind the WNBA in popularity which isn't exactly something to brag about.
