HR discouraged me from going to work in a costume today because I was interviewing people so I wore this instead

I'm pretty proud of myself about this one.  I think I've discovered a new dress code: "80's cop business professional."  When you show up to a partner or client meeting, you immediately send the message that you are not here to fuck around, but to get shit done and eat a jelly doughnut.

If you don't find this remotely amusing, you're probably a millennial that wasn't alive in the 80's (or if you were, you didn't have full control of your bowels, so that really doesn't count).  Let me educate you and show you the look I was going for:

The only way this could have been better if I found someone to dress up as Tubbs.  And while we're on the topic of cops who wear cool suits with T-shirts, how the fuck did Moonbeam City not get picked up for a 2nd season by Comedy Central?  Show is hilarious, and the theme song is the shit and that alone should have been reason enough for it to be renewed.  HIT IT!

Good luck not jamming out to that for the rest of your life.

Tomorrow's Jags vs. Titans game has become an annual primetime piece of shit thanks to Thursday Night Football

Two teams with four losses each heading into week 8, it doesn't get much shittier than this.  Thursday Night Football is the NFL's version of the participation ribbon.  Good teams get to play on Sunday Night and Monday Night, you know, because NBC and ESPN actually give a fuck about ratings for nationally televised games.  The NFL though?  Money's the bottom line at the player's expense.  None of the fucking players like to play on Thursday on a short week during the season.  The only exceptions should be opening night and Thanksgiving.  Get it back to where it was.  But no, the NFL decided to create Thursday Night Football so that each team gets to play at lease one prime time game a year.  That's fucking bullshit - if you want to play in primetime, be a good team.  There's a reason the Browns have never played on Sunday Night Football (since it moved to NBC - I didn't fact check that, but I'm pretty confident that's the case).

But hey, it could be worse.  I'll give the NFL credit, since they know both of these teams suck, they schedule their one primetime game against each other so that we don't have to suffer through two Thursday nights featuring the shit teams of the AFC South.  Good going Goodell!

I think the worse part of all is the timing, if Game 3 of the World Series was on, sports fans would have something good to watch.  Instead, hardcore gamblers and daily fantasy players will be stuck watching this piece of shit.

Well, at least we have these ugly as fuck color rush uniforms to look forward to:

Oh, and some asshole with more time on his hands than I have made a fucking Titans-Jags hype video.  Burn in hell.

I had to check the internet this morning to make sure Penn State really beat Ohio State last night

Last night was fucking crazy.  No one saw this coming.  Ohio State was not on "upset alert".  This was the No. 2 team in the country in late October, not the No. 2 team in the 2nd week of September.  The body of work was there.  This was a team that waltzed into Norman and demolished Oklahoma 45-24.  They blasted an awful Rutgers team 58-0.  They escaped Wisconsin with a 30-23 win at night on the road.  Yes, Happy Valley at night is a tough place to play, but it's not supposed to over compensate for talent by that much.  Not when you're facing an Urban Meyer coached team who's won 20 straight games and eats Papa John's to celebrate in the bowels of your stadium:

This was a Penn State squad that looked absolutely lifeless in a 49-10 beat down at Michigan.  Yes, they looked better after wins against Minnesota and Maryland, but those teams are not Ohio State.  Perhaps it's the scheduling gods that made this happen.  Ohio State had back-to-back road night games in the Big Ten.  I can't remember that happening recently.  Penn State hadn't been on the road since that Sept 24 loss to Michigan and had two weeks to prepare for Ohio State.  Not that an open week really helps when you look at these stats:

But this is why sometimes in football, stats don't mean shit.  Special teams decided this game, and special teams don't make the stat sheet.  Watching this game early, I was nervous when Penn State's first drive ended in a blocked field goal, and then they muffed a punt that led to Ohio State's first field goal. You can't do that shit against Ohio State and expect to win.  When the game was 12-7 at the half, it was obvious points were at a premium.  That's why when Ohio State struck quickly to make it 19-7, then Penn State had another special teams miscue that sent the snap over the punter's head into the end zone for a safety (crucial recovery by the way) and made the score 21-7, it felt like I'd seen this script before.  This is where Ohio State silences the crowd and takes breaks the game wide open.  That was going to happen...until it didn't.  If you're keeping track, Penn State's special teams miscues equaled an 8 point swing.  What happened next was downright incredible.  With the score 21-14, Ohio State had a blocked punt that led to a field goal, making it 21-17.  It was nuts to think that the safety could be the difference since a field goal now would do Penn State no good. Everybody knows what the next huge special teams play was:

I've bashed James Franklin here before, and while I'm not completely onboard, this win showed giant progress.  He's saved his job last night unless there's a giant collapse and Penn State goes 2-3 the rest of the way.  There isn't a ranked team left on the schedule.  10-2 and a New Year's six bowl is a reachable goal after two lousy 7-6 seasons.  Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself, but this is what's expected at Penn State.  Last year's team was 7-2 after nine games, but that was a mirage since they finished the season with 3 straight losses to ranked opponents.  The schedule isn't back loaded the same way.  As for the Big Ten East race, this upset doesn't shake it up that much.  It still comes down to Ohio State-Michigan, since in a 3-way tie for the division, Penn State is out because it has a non-conference loss (to FUCKING PITT) and Ohio State would win the head-to-head with Michigan.
                   

Teams have been left for dead after an upset loss, only to win a national championship that same year because other teams can't sustain the success (Alabama comes to mind).  I'm going to enjoy this win for a while, even if it doesn't shake up the playoff picture THAT much.

Crab Cakes and Football: That's what Maryland does!

I love G&M crab cakes, but eat a dick, Maryland.  This is my last chance to gloat for a couple of weeks because Penn State is off next Saturday, followed by the inevitable skull-fucking by Ohio State.  *sigh* Pinstripe Bowl, here we come!

I'm on academic probation at an online university which basically means I'm dominating life

If you're not impressed by my 1.75 GPA at an online university you don't have a pulse.  This shit ain't graded on a curve like those brick-and-mortar schools.  Need to get a legit 80% to pull a B.  Needless to say, I haven't been doing much of that.

You're probably wondering what the hell I'm doing trying to get an MPA at an online university.  Well, there's this thing called the GI Bill.  As of last summer, I had about 20 months left after grad school.  One of the benefits is that you get a living stipend when you're enrolled as a full-time student, even if it's online.  Well fuck, do the math, I'm leaving cash on the table by not trying to get a third graduate degree.

Let's be real, online, for-profit universities are making a mockery of higher education, so I've decided to flip the script and make a mockery of them.  Hell, ITT tech has shut down, this place can't be far behind.  Besides, this isn't costing me a dime.  The GI Bill pays for my tuition while padding my hookers and blow Chick-Fil-A budget.

Besides, getting emails like this just brings a smile to my face:

1.75 > 1.50

I'm making progress.  Just hope I can exhaust that GI Bill before I get expelled by a for-profit online university.

Where will Tom Herman be coaching next year?

Ladies and gentleman, that is the next head coach at a major program come 2017.  The question is where?  Many thought he'd make the jump last year after guiding Houston to a 12-1 season and a victory over Florida State in the Peach Bowl.  Herman didn't leave because he's a smart guy.  He doesn't want to coach some shit program in a power five conference like Kansas or Washington State (though you gotta respect former Washington State coach for how he pissed away the Alabama job).

No - Herman knows he's an offensive genius that was able to devise a game plan that propelled Ohio State to three straight post-season wins en route to the 2014 National Championship.  He won those games with 3rd stringer Cardale Jones who now owes Herman Christmas cards for life, because after that stretch he got on the radar of the NFL for his Jamarcus Russell like physical talents.  He imploded a little before Jamarcus Russell though by losing his job to JT Barrett last year and is now 3rd on the Buffalo Bills depth chart behind Tyrod Taylor and EJ Manuel.  Man, that must really suck to peak in life as a redshirt sophomore.

Here are the top 4 jobs that I think will be open this offseason and I'll rank them in how good of an opportunity it is for our boy Herman. (Disclaimer: This is assuming the Big 12 is run by a bunch of pussies and that they expand to 12 teams by inviting Cincinnati and BYU and give Houston the middle finger.)

4. Notre Dame

You might be thinking, wait, wasn't Notre Dame good last year?  Brian Kelly isn't going to get fired.  Here's the thing, Brian Kelly's biggest accomplishment since he took over in 2010 was making it to the National Championship game in 2012 with a star linebacker who had an imaginary girlfriend.  Let's take a look at his body of work at Notre Dame:

Touchdown Jesus doesn't pray for 8-5 seasons and berths in the Champs Sports bowl.  Kelly has gotten a fair shake, and he's shown he can't do much.  This year is an absolute dumpster fire.  Notre Dame is 2-3 with losses to Texas (who looks like shit after losses to Cal and Oklahoma St.), Michigan State (who looks like shit after losing on the road to Indiana), and Duke.  FUCKING DUKE!!!  Needless to say Notre Dame will be looking for a head coach at the end of the season.  Kelly knows this, which is why he fired his defensive coordinator following the Duke loss, but Notre Dame is the Titanic and the whole coaching staff is going with it.

3. Penn State

Let's be honest, hiring James Franklin for his track record at Vanderbilt was a regrettable mistake like letting Michael Bay make a 4th Transformers movie.  People point to Franklin's back-to-back 9-4 finishes with Vandy in the SEC and wonder why that success doesn't translate to Penn State in the Big Ten.  Well, here's why:

The 9-4 masks the fact that he finished 6th in the SEC East two years in a row.  Look at the schedule, the only ranked team he beat in two years was Georgia in 2013, and that's a UGA squad that ended up 8-5, so it's not like Vanderbilt handed them their only loss.  Also, when you look at the schedule again, you'll notice the SEC West heavyweights such as Alabama and LSU are conveniently off the schedule.

If for no other reason, Penn State needs to fire James Franklin because he looks like a fucking used car salesman:

2. LSU

This is probably the most aggressive move by a school gunning for Tom Herman.  Firing Les Miles in the middle of the season sends the message "Fuck this season, we want to show Tom Herman we're serious about hiring him."  They promoted D-Line coach Ed Orgeron to interim head coach to show that they're not serious about promoting within.  Orgeron got fucked by USC when he got the interim tag after Joey Freshwater Lane Kiffin was pulled off the team bus and fired at LAX.  Orgeron led USC to a 6-2 record the rest of the way only for the administration to prefer to hire an alcoholic.  Orgeron is a good dude who deserves better.  He needs to get his resume ready though.

1. Texas 

Charlie Strong is as good as fired.  An opening season win against Notre Dame (see above) prompted the college world to overreact and proclaim that "Texas is back!"  Calm down people.  We now know that Notre Dame is a dogshit team, and losses to Cal and Oklahoma State aren't a good look.  Maybe Strong pulls another Red River Rivalry win out of his ass to save his job (again), but I don't think it's going to be enough.  If for no other reason, it's a good move to fire Strong because Herman's available. 

The reason I think Texas is No.1 is because it just makes sense.  It's a storied program and Tom Herman has made serious inroads in the Houston area for recruiting.  Being the head coach at Texas will allow him to stretch across the whole talent rich state while also bringing all his Houston area recruits to Austin with him.  If the Big 12 tries to keep Houston out of the Big 12, Herman should just take the Texas coaching job and unleash hell on the schools that didn't want him coaching a Houston team in that conference.  It's a perfect way to say "fuck you" to the programs trying to cockblock Houston while restoring Texas back to glory.  It also doesn't hurt that Charlie Strong is a pretty easy act to follow.

There you have it.  This is just my opinion, but it's true.