Look at this fucking guy. Look at this picture and you see how this asshole is flaunting his pyramid of SNES Classics:
I really hate how a few dickbags can get their hands on a low-supply item like the SNES classic, mark it up and try to flip it on eBay and then call themselves "entrepreneurs". Can I afford this? Yes, but will I? Fuck no. Fuck this guy, I'm not going to support his effort of gouging people who want to play video games from their youth before they had better things to do like getting laid. The worst part is, this asshole is building a box fort out of SNES Classics, and big box retailers are about as helpful as tits on a bull:
Thanks Target! Unavailable near me and unavailable to ship. Let's go back to our boy ROBERTJ56. He's got some fucking nerve to act like he's giving us a deal:
No, penis-breath, you're not giving us a 10% discount here. A buyer is NOT saving $20. A buyer is paying $100 more which is a 125% markup. Fuck you and your fucking eBay store. I hope you get herpes the next time you have sex. With a goat. This dude is the Floyd Mayweather of SNES Classics.
I'm not going to repeat myself here, but there are a lot of great credit card offers where you can rack up points for travel. A lot of people are concerned about how opening up too many credit card accounts will effect their credit score. My advice: stop being a fucking pussy.
Business cards are interesting because there are a lot of lucrative bonuses out there that people self-select out of because they don't think they're qualified. Truth is, all you need to do to get a business card is say you have a sole proprietorship, make up a funny business name, and boom, you've got a business card. What kind of business is "Just the Tip" involved in? I sell shit on eBay. That's good enough for Chase.
Other haters wonder what 80K points is worth. With Chase, if you redeem them through the travel portal, they're worth $1000 in travel. If you're not into that, you can get $800 cash back, which is a lot more than the $95 annual fee. Even people that suck at math can figure that out. If you want to go next level (like me), you have the Chase Sapphire Reserve card which means I can transfer the 80K to that card, and POOF! My points are worth $1200.
If you want some more official-looking shit, here's a post by the Points Guy regarding the Chase Ink Preferred.
The chart above says it all. Penn State's win probability kept going up like Amazon stock throughout the game then came crashing down like the 2008 financial crisis. I mean, when the game starts like this, you gotta feel pretty good:
But Ohio State did just enough in the first half to dig out of a 14-0 early deficit to go into the half 28-17 and receiving the 2nd half kick.
The key moment in the game happened when Penn State kicked a Field Goal to up by 11
Yeah it would have been nice to get a TD, but inside the 5, you're not putting that ball in the air when you can make it a two-score game. Time and again McSorely has scored a TD with his legs, he just couldn't get loose here. Even so, kicking a FG with 5:42 left up by 11? I like my chances.
What changed is the Ohio State offensive coaches decided to stop being fucking idiots and throw the ball downfield. All game that cute swing pass and screen pass shit was shut down by Penn State. Knowing they needed to score twice and score quickly forced them to get vertical. Penn State couldn't handle it, giving up a TD in a little over 1:20. They held tough on the 2-pt try, but the next offensive series did them in.
The first play was a zone read to Barkley that got blown up for a 7-yard loss. I don't have an issue with the play call, the blocking wasn't there and then you're staring at a 2nd & 17 inside your own 5. That's what dictated the next 2 plays. Up 5, you can't throw deep in your own territory, two more stuffed runs meant punting it back to Ohio State, and once again the secondary was carved up for the game-winning TD.
Like I proclaimed in the title, Ohio State has won the Big Ten East. They're not losing twice with a remaining schedule like this:
HOWEVA, if they lose once, they're fucked in terms of the CFP. Unfortunately Penn State won't be able to back its way in to the CFP like Ohio State last year, because the schedule is too soft. Pitt sucks ass and the only ranked opponent remaining on the schedule is Michigan State.
The Big takeaway is that the Big Ten East goes through Ohio State. Ever since the Big Ten wisened up and got rid of that "Leaders and Legends" bullshit, the team that won the East was either Ohio State (2014) or a team that beat Ohio State, (Michigan State - 2015, Penn State - 2016). In other words, you cannot lose to Ohio State and hope they lose two Big Ten games. Just not going to happen.
Oh well. I blame ESPN's Heather Dinich for jinxing us:
If -- IF -- PSU keeps this up for 4Q (still early!!!!) no doubt could be considered for No. 1 on Tuesday.
I'm disappointed in Michigan. I thought they were better than this. Something about a 5th-ranked defense and how Penn State had only played one top 30 defense in Iowa. Well, that's the thing with college football rankings: They don't mean dick. There's such a disparity in talent between the Power 5 and the Group of 5 and the FCS schools, when you've six weeks in and half your schedule is playing against dogshit non-conference teams, your yards against and other stats are going to be inflated. When all is said and done, I'm not quite sure what this win means for Penn State. Michigan is the first ranked opponent of the year, but after this ass-beating, I don't think they deserve to be ranked. They have to go on the road to Wisconsin and host Ohio State. Mark those up as two more Ls and well, Michigan just wasn't very good this year.
Probably the highlight of this game was the Michigan kicker missing an extra point:
Why was that so satisfying? Because this is the fuckstick that missed it:
In case you're wondering why he's wearing Penn State gear but kicking for Michigan, Harbaugh fucking slept over at his house and flipped him to Michigan. Ha - fuck that guy. This video will haunt him for the rest of his life. I hope he made the right decision by attending Michigan and that he lands his dream job at Domino's Pizza HQ in Ann Arbor.
Meanwhile, Saquon Barkley continued his assault on the Heisman Trophy campaign.
Now let's talk about next week. Penn State at Ohio State is going to determine the Big Ten champ. If Penn State wins, the only hurdle left is a resurgent Michigan State team, then its smooth sailing from there. If Ohio State wins, the same Spartans are the toughest test left for them (sorry Michigan). Why is this game so crucial? Neither team has a loss in the Big Ten. The loser of this game would need the winner to lose TWO times in the final weeks of the season just to win the division, and given the schedules, that's just not very likely. Wisconsin will likely be the undefeated Big Ten West champ, but like the 2015 Iowa squad that went 12-0, I think they're inferior to whoever emerges out of the East.
Despite Penn State's No.2 ranking (remember what I said about rankings meaning dick?), Ohio State will be favored, and rightfully so. Columbus is a tough place to play, and Penn State has not had a good history there. However, Ohio State much like Penn State is still a bit of a mystery. Their strongest opponent, Oklahoma, beat the shit out of them in Columbus, and the other games saw them roll over shitty Big Ten teams like Rutgers, Maryland, and Nebraska. How good is Ohio State?
Gonna be fun waiting all week for this one. Last year, Ohio State was No.2 visiting Penn State. We all know how that story ended.
That's some straight up food porn right there. Just went six to midnight. To set the background, there's this place called Gumby's Pizza. There are only nine locations, and they're all in college towns:
University of Florida
Florida State
Mizzou (has fucking two locations! WTF!)
Penn State
Texas A&M
Texas State
NC State
University of Iowa
Their pizza is actually fucking terrible, but the pokey stix are some kind of amazing garlic pizza that tastes downright orgasmic.
I was in Iowa City this past weekend for the Penn State vs. Iowa football game this weekend, so naturally I had to indulge in a blast from the past. Let me tell you, I couldn't handle this medium order like my 22-year-old self could. When I think of Pokey stix, I still laugh a little that a girl from State College suggested we order Pokey Stix one halloween, and she let all of us order a large like a bunch of fucking idiots. A little heads up that these things were like pizzas would have been nice. I had in mind that they were pretzel sticks or something, but lo and behold, that night I was introduced to the eighth wonder of the world.
Was I really in Iowa City for a football game, or did I just make the trip to eat a medium order of Pokey Stix? You'll never know.
Anyway, let's talk about the game for a second. Kinnick is a nice stadium:
They also have this cool new tradition where after the first quarter everyone turns and waves to the kids in the new wing of the children's hospital. This just started this year, and this being the first night game everybody turned on their cellphone flash light and waved to the kids. Very cool moment.
Now to actual football. That game made me shit a brick. I knew it was going to be a tough game as night games at Kinnick are where perfect seasons go to die. I still remember Penn State losing there in 2008 24-23 and it was just last year No. 2 Michigan got clipped 14-13. I will take a gritty road win despite being 12.5 point favorites. If there's one thing I noticed, is that Penn State needs to keep the pedal to the medal on offense if they want to repeat as Big Ten champs. The defense is adequate, but can crack at times as was evident in the 2nd half when Iowa scored on a long catch-and-run and a long rushing play. In fact, let's take a look at that running play (fast forward to 2:28, I'm not smart of enough to get it to embed at that point):
Turned out to be a good thing that #28 took a really shitty angle in pursuit and Iowa scored that TD. With the score 15-13 I was having flashbacks to 2008 where Iowa could grind clock and then kick a field goal and win by one.
But the reason this game was so tight is that Penn State had the ball on the goal line twice and had to settle for field goals. This isn't a drive stalling on the 15 and kicking it, I'm talking about right on the fucking doorstep and you get denied with arguably the best running back in college football. What is interesting here is that Penn State now takes 100% of the snaps in the shotgun. It's working, but I would think you would want a power football package in there for short yardage situations. Obviously you're not going under center if you've never practiced it, but what I'm saying is, when you need one fucking yard, why not put a tight end in the back field in front of Barkley and play some smash mouth football. For you nerds wondering why I said tight end in the backfield, it's because Penn State doesn't use the fullback in the offense, so I doubt there's one on the roster.
Anyway, Penn State will need to finish off drives with TDs when they get so close on the road so they can get the crowd to shut the fuck up. It was LOUD in Kinnick - I was having a tough time concentrating watching the game, so it must've been crazy for McSorely to run the offense in those conditions.
Escape Iowa City with a win, ate some fucking Pokey sticks, saw the Iowa Dance team on the field. Win-win-win of a weekend.
Now, I don't want this to come off as a douchey blog where I'm critiquing someone's form, that's not it at all. I get it, Dwayne Wade doesn't do Crossfit, that's apparent. He plays professional basketball, I don't. He has sex with Gabrielle Union, I haven't (yet). He's set to make $23.8M next year, I make slightly less than that.
What I want to point out here, is what a dickbag LeBron James is for putting his boy D-wade on blast for looking like a senior citizen trying to take a shit at a public restroom. It's a little subtle, but you can see the trainer thinking "fuck no" as he has D-wade put it in the front rack. The bar is so fucking light that he can just hand it off to the guy - incredible. Again, I'm not ripping on D-wade here, I suck at basketball, hand writing, and having sex, which is why you'll never see any video of that on the internet. This video shouldn't have made it to the internet, but LeBron is such a fucking attention whore, he wants to show the world how he and his boy are "getting after it" in the off season. Oh, it's your job to be athletic? Your job has an offseason where you can independently get better at your profession? Congrats dickhead, we don't need to see a fucking video. I bet most of us working joes would love to make our full salary over six months, then get the rest of the time to get better at our craft so we can kill it the next time we do our jobs (nah, fuck that, most people would just take a vacation, which ruins my argument, but whatever, fuck off).
Congrats on sliding in that 27-game winning streak you had there.
Look, I love LeBron the basketball player, he's a fucking versatile monster that we may not see the likes of again. But LeBron the social media dickhole is getting tiresome. No one gives a fuck about you working out in the offseason. NO ONE. And showing your best friend having trouble overhead squatting 65 lbs is a real dick move.
In case anyone is wondering, here's what an overhead squat looks like:
Now that I've been living in Denver for a couple of years, I started casually looking around at the real estate market. The Zillow phone app is a pretty neat way to browse while sitting on your ass at home watching TV. The prices range from "achievable" to "In your fucking dreams." I created an account so I could save some condos I had my eye on to see if they're still around in a few months or if the prices drops. Zillow then emails you some matches daily, needless to say, their algorithm could use some work:
$990K is squarely in the "In your fucking dreams" category. Not only that, but it's in fucking Greenwood Village, whereas the properties I saved were in my current neighborhood. You can take your almost $1M house in the fucking burbs and eat a dick. Though I'd be lying if that $8,500 price break didn't make me think twice about it.
$1.4M? Yeah, this place sounds like an awesome bachelor pad - too bad I don't play for the Rockies/Avalanche/Broncos/Nuggets. Why the fuck would Zillow think this is a good match for me? To be fair, had I won that $750M PowerBall jackpot a few weeks ago, I totally would've bought this place with cash.
In the meantime, I'll keep slumming it and window shopping in the "achievable" category to see if I can take advantage of my VA home loan.
HAPPY SUNDAY fellow Tits and Dragons Game of Thrones watchers!!! I mean, am I wrong here? I don't think I've ever seen such an imbalance of power in a celebrity couple. All Kit has to do is remind Rose that nerds everywhere stop masturbating to Pornhub from 9PM - 10PM eastern time to watch him do his thing on Sundays.
***SEASON 1-6 SPOILERS BELOW: IF YOU DON'T WATCH GAME OF THRONES, YOU'RE A FUCKING LOSER. THAT'S RIGHT, I WATCH A SHOW SET IN MEDIEVAL TIMES IN A FICTIONAL LAND WITH DRAGONS AND AN UNDEAD ARMY, BUT I'M NOT THE LOSER FOR WATCHING IT, YOU'RE THE LOSER FOR NOT WATCHING IT.***
I'm being serious here, let's say Rose gets pissed at Kit for leaving the toilet seat up and then an argument ensues. Whenever Kit gets sick of arguing, he should just end things by reminding her he's King in the North, and she's just some rando wilding that he raw dogged in a cave one winter. Case closed. Kit is the big swinging dick in the north, Rose is a character that died in the season four finale. I mean, Ygritte was killed by a child who avenged the death of his family. Winner: child. Meanwhile, same child stabbed Kit. The result was Kit came back to life and had the little fucker hanged with the rest of the traitors. Winner: Jon Motherfucking Snow.
Also, is anyone really surprised that these two are engaged? I don't care how professional of an actor you are, you can not do the following scene and say "I was just doing my job." (NSFW)
Really tough to pretend kiss someone's naked body. Also, how many takes did they have to do here? 99% sure at some point the director had to say: "Cut. Kit blew his load again, can someone get him a towel?" I'm convinced that they got engaged after the shooting wrapped that day.
What's the point here? I guess that it's pretty good to be Kit. He goes through the show as "Ned's Bastard" but is now King in the North and a central character to the show. On the other hand, it SUCKS to be a son of Ned Stark. A recap:
Rickon
Rob
Bran
Bran gets maimed in the first episode of the show, and he's the best off of the Stark boys. Pretty shitty if you ask me.
I get it. That's a pretty bold statement, but I swear to God I am not exaggerating. I stopped into Krispy Kreme this morning to grab some doughnuts for work and when I walked out of there with a dozen of these bad boys, a total stranger gave me a head nod. Respect. Bringing fat pills into work is a menial task, but somebody has to do it.
I now regret not taking a picture of this, but the doughnut rack that had these in it had a big sign warning you stating that each doughnut is 400 calories. 400 FUCKING CALORIES!!! Holy shit this thing is going to taste good. Curiously enough, only the Cake Batter doughnut shamelessly stated that it was 350 calories. No other doughnut had an indicator by it, which led me to believe that there's some sort of law where you have to state that two doughnuts is approaching the calorie count of a Bloomin' onion. (Shout out to the person who found a way to take a vegetable and make it 1,000 calories.)
But let's get back to the topic at hand. Since I claimed today is the best day of my life, I will rank my top five days of all time.
1. Today
Enough said.
2. My last day before terminal leave in the Navy
This was a fucking awesome feeling. I remember walking into the IT shop to turn in my hard drive and the government employee who was busy doing nothing asked me if I could come back after lunch to turn it in. I told him it was my last day and I wasn't going to be here after lunch. I win.
3. The day I left Ridgecrest, CA
If there is a bigger shithole on this planet, I have not found it. Words can't begin to describe how much I hated this fucking place. Dropping off my keys at the Coldwell Banker property management office was THE HIGHLIGHT of my 20's. The best part was when I went to break my lease via the military clause a few months before, the lady asked where I was moving. When I mentioned Southern California, she smugly said "That's a higher cost of living area." I then proceeded to shit down her throat by saying "Yeah, well in the military you get a housing allowance that's based off of the cost of living in the area so I should be able to afford it."
4. The day I got accepted to business school
This might seem low on the list, but c'mon, did you see my top 3? Hard to compete with that. Anyway, I remember EXACTLY what I was doing when I got the call. I was in sweat pants, lying on my couch watching the movie "Jeff, Who lives at home" when I got the call. Knowing my transition plan from the Navy was a full go and it wasn't anything taught in fucking TAPS class was a fantastic feeling.
5. The day I got orders to leave Ridgecrest, CA
Leaving was a fantastic day. But getting the call in April letting me know I'd be moving elsewhere in July was pretty fucking great too. Can you not feel how much disdain I have for this place? Google Map it then switch to Earth mode. You will see where my hate comes from.
For those of you unfamiliar with my saga in online education, please read previous posts found here and here.
Receiving this email made me chuckle a little bit. Why? Oh, because this online school is counting its chickens before they hatch. Shortly after receiving this motivational email, this happened:
Which of course, led to this:
Three months of GI Bill benefits left, people. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I know living in Denver this is a controversial take, but I like to be objective about things. Yes the Broncos are popular here as the home team, but ever since he was inducted last year, I can't help but have recurring "What the fuck?" thoughts as football season nears. Yes, Terrell Davis was an elite running back, and yes he had a 2,000 yard rushing season, but to me, he did not have a Hall of Fame CAREER. Career being the key point (as if you couldn't tell by the caps lock). What got me thinking about this was a Barstool Sports Blog written about how Corey Dillon was making a case for the hall.
That blogger thinks Davis belongs in the Hall, but looking at his career stats, I just don't get why he got the call:
His heyday was from 1995 - 1998. Then injuries prevented him from playing in more than 8 games from 1999-2001. Yes he was great for those four years, but is four years really enough for a running back to qualify for the Hall? I know there's no set criteria and running backs tend to have a shorter shelf life, but for comparison's sake, let's look at Corey Dillon's stats:
As you can see, Corey Dillon was relevant for a longer period of time. What helps Davis' case is that he played on the Broncos and won 2 Super Bowls. Corey Dillon was banished to the fucking Cincinnati Bengals where he was able to churn out yards despite the team sucking ass. Then he goes to the Pats and wins a super bowl and establishes a career high in rushing yards (1,635). That's pretty impressive when you consider he did that in his 8th year in the league...which also happens to be right around the time he turned 30, the magical age where running backs fall off a cliff, and Dillon wasn't immune to that. By comparison, Davis hit 2,000 yards in his 4th year, then was never heard from again.
Another comparison of a guy who had a similar flash of brilliance is Priest Holmes. Here are his stats:
Dude was a fantasy stud from 2001 - 2003. Not only did he rush for over 1,400 yards each of those years, he was also a terror receiving out of the backfield:
He had three straight years with over 2,000 yards from scrimmage, compared to two by Davis (here are his receiving numbers):
Do I think Holmes belongs in the Hall of Fame? Fuck no. For the same reason I don't think Davis belongs there. Of these three backs, Corey Dillon is the most deserving, but he probably doesn't get there because he was a surly guy from all those years of being in Cincinnati, meanwhile, Davis smiles a lot, is cool with the media, and dropped a shit ton of money at strips clubs in Atlanta.
Look, I'm not a Davis hater, I just think the Hall of Fame is reserved for the greatest to ever play the game, and objectively, I don't see how you can classify Davis as one of the greatest when his greatness lasted only about half of other hall of fame running backs.
I'll just leave you with the career stats of a recent Hall of Fame running back that makes all three of these guys look like total pussies.
Okay, to clarify the above statement, I have eaten McDonald's within the last year, but only because breakfast sandwiches are available all day now (shout out to the egg McMuffin) and it's usually in the airport when the line for Chick-Fil-A is too fucking long. That said, I CANNOT remember the last time I actually went out of my way to go to a McDonald's for a meal. Usually it's a road trip thing where you've been driving for hours then say "Fuck it, here's a McDonald's, let's stop here, I need to take a huge shit anyway."
I literally cannot remember the last time I ordered one of their burgers, whether it be a quarter pounder or a regular cheeseburger. There's no reason to since places like Five Guys exist. Shit, even Wendy's is way better than whatever they serve up at McDonald's. I do remember the last time I had a Big Mac. It was my senior year in high school and I won a free Big Mac on the Monopoly game. Had four of them or so. Redeemed one, concluded that the Big Mac's secret sauce tasted like horse jizz and have never ordered one again. That's saying something when a 17-year-old's taste buds say "nope, not having this shit again."
Anyway, back to yesterday. 11AM this outlook reminder pops up and I know it's go-time:
Went to pick up $40 worth of McDonald's with some co-workers. I decided to go with a classic: The two cheeseburger meal. This whole idea of going to McDonald's was because one of my co-workers had a funny graph that plotted his happiness as a function of time after eating McDonald's. It got lost, and he deemed it wasn't ethical to simply draw it again. We had to experience McDonald's to accurately plot it. So that's why I ate some of the shittiest food on the planet: In the name of science.
Anyway, here's my chart below of my McDonald's experience.
I think this is accurate. The anticipation of riding shotgun to get McDonald's is pretty exciting and that excitement rises as you roll up to the drive thru window. Then you've got to get the haul back to the office, where that first bite tastes like an orgasm covered in chocolate. Pure ecstasy. After you've had the last bite, you start to feel some emptiness as the food is all gone. Then from there, in 5-minute intervals, you start to feel more regret than a sorority girl on spring break.
In case you're not aware, I've become borderline obsessed with sleep. So when Under Amour came out with this, it got my attention a little bit. Yeah, full-disclosure, I'm a total brand whore for Under Armour. In fact, it's proven that wearing Under Amour makes me a better athlete. Don't believe me? See for yourself:
Here's how Under Armour describes it:
Maybe it's all bullshit, placebo effect, whatever you want to call it, and maybe I'm a fucking moron for spending nearly $200 on pajamas, but I dunno, I've been sleeping pretty good the last couple of weeks since wearing this shit. I guess it's all about how important sleep is to you, to me, it's paramount. I don't enjoy feeling like dogshit during the day because I didn't sleep well the night before. That said, the one flaw in this product is that despite wearing the same pajamas as Tom Brady, I'm still not banging a Brazilian Victoria's Secret model. I was led to believe that was a possibility, which is why I can't give this my full, un-biased endorsement.
Men's Health has this brand called "Eat this, not That" as a resource to inform that you don't have to give up your favorite fast food joints, you just have to give up the best stuff there. It's fucking bullshit. Seriously - look at this BULLSHIT list of things they say you should order at my beloved Chick-Fil-A. Anyone who orders the grilled stuff is a fucking fascist.
Now that I've totally destroyed their credibility, this article about La Croix is troubling. La Croix is crack-in-a-can. I drink a lot of it, it's fizzy, it's refreshing. What's not to like? According to the dickheads at Men's Health, this:
Due to their acidic pH, flavored sparkling waters can be nearly as corrosive as orange juice when exposed to human teeth for just 30 minutes, according to researchers at the University of Birmingham and Birmingham Dental Hospital. In their 2007 study, the researchers concluded: "It would be inappropriate to consider these flavored sparkling waters as a healthy dental alternative to other acidic drinks." Note — the authors said dental not nutritious.
It’s important to note that this study was done in a controlled lab setting, and the authors mentioned that the effects of sparkling water on enamel erosion in real life would depend on both the amount of drink consumed and its frequency.
According to the LaCroix website, the pH level of LaCroix Sparkling Waters varies by flavor, but overall they are less acidic than traditional soft drinks and juice drinks, so this particular brand might not be as bad as the seltzers analyzed in this specific study.
Allow me to retort:
But wait - there's more!
A study published in the journal Obesity Research and Clinical Practice found that rats who drank fizzy drinks ate more and gained more weight over a 6-month period than rats who drank flat soda or plain water. The rodents who drank the carbonated beverages had more of the appetite-increasing hormone ghrelin, which can cause you to eat more. However, the researchers noted that weight gain can’t be entirely attributed to fizzy beverages and instead “caused by multiple environmental, social and lifestyle factors, rather than carbonation on its own.”
Your studies can eat a dick. This ruined my fucking day. Will I drink less La Croix because of this? Probably, because I'm a pussy and I believe everything I read on the internet.
Just a low-key Sunday afternoon, taking care of some errands and caught a matinee show of Baywatch (I was the only person in the theater, but don't let the haters fool you - it's not as bad as the Rotten Tomatoes rating of 20%). Anyway, I had this girl you see above match with me on Hinge from one of her pictures I liked before. Her profile was somewhat boring, nothing really to start a conversation on, so I just liked one of her pictures last week and kept living my life. But then today, she opened the conversation with this killer line:
Yeah - what the fuck. Anyway, the one good thing about Hinge is that it gives you the person you match with's full name, so you can stalk look her up on Facebook. Nothing too revealing, but then something caught my eye:
What kind of 27-year-old woman has only 16 fucking friends on Facebook? Something doesn't feel right here. Oh, but it gets better, check out her "Friends":
HARD FUCKING PASS - what the fuck. Unmatch and be glad I'm not going to wake up in a bathtub with a kidney missing. If anyone asks me how my weekend was, I'll honestly reply "I wasn't raped with a broom handle in a back alley, so it was a good weekend."
Probably. Most people would just throw these unsolicited credit card offers in the trash or recycling bin. I'm not most people. Someone has to tell these companies what a shitty idea direct mail is for credit cards. I've decided to carry that torch by sending this shit back in their prepaid envelope (which they have to pay for) and someone has to open the envelope and say "What the fuck?" while going through the unfilled out form, the envelope that all these forms were sent in, and maaaaaybe a tissue I blew my nose in.
Look, direct mail works for some customers. Mainly those who don't use/trust the internet and respond to shit like "0% APR for 21 months on your balance transfer" when it's printed on a fucking envelope. Those people tend to be older. Credit card companies have a shitload of data, so they have to know that I'm in my 30's and probably have all the porn sites I've browsed in the last 15 years sorted and indexed. I am not the audience for your fucking direct mail, but I'll gladly take the time to stuff the envelope and send it back to you to break the monotony of someone's day.
Kids these days, they don't know the struggle. Everyone looks shit up on their phones if they need directions somewhere. There was a time when you went onto a site called Mapquest and printed out directions. That was a long time ago. So you can understand my shock that this site is still around.
I mean, yeah it offers functionality like Googlemaps, but the problem is, I sure as fuck am not creating an account to save desitinations and what not when Googlemaps does that shit with your Google sign in. Perhaps these guys need to market/target to people with AOL email addresses.
It gets better, turns out Mapquest is located right here in Denver, CO!
Good to know I can still print out directions. They haven't forgotten where they come from.
I've never meet Mark Manson, but I'm pretty sure if I did we'd be best friends.
I picked up this book for two reasons:
1) A friend of mine introduced me to Mark Manson's "Law of 'Fuck Yes'" which I am all the way in on
2) How can you not read a book with this title?
This is not going to be a fucking book report like you wrote in high school because there was some sort of grading rubric attached to it. I am going to talk about the main points that really resonated with me, and since 86% of you probably haven't picked up a fucking book yet this year, make this your first.
Okay, on to the promised book review:
You have limited fucks to give, so use them wisely
The title of the book is a little misleading. It's not about not giving a fuck about anything and living your life like the lead character in Grand Theft Auto. If you did that, you would go to jail after getting an STD from fucking a hooker in your stolen lambo. No, the main point is that it is impossible to give a fuck about EVERYTHING, so be smart and just give a fuck about SOMETHING. That something is what's important to you. I didn't read this book before I went to business school, but I may as well have. The common trap your average MBA is that they try to give a fuck about too much.
"I need to get an A in Finance!"
"I want to start a club!"
"I need to suck this guy's dick network with this investment bank!"
Fuck all that. I knew going in what my priorities were: getting a job and not having my health go to shit. Pretty fucking simple. GPA? I did not give one fuck about that. My GPA at the end of the first semester was 3.05. To paint the picture of how shitty that is, the first semester classes were set on a curve such that the average grade was a B+ (3.3). Yup, I was well below average. But when I wasn't giving a fuck about classwork, I was busy preparing for interviews, because that's what actually gets you the job. Or I was sleeping or working out. Two things I enjoy much more than school work.
Again - prioritize your shit and put all your energy into shit that matters TO YOU. Don't give a fuck about what you think other people might think is important. Live your goddam life and live it for you.
You must enjoy the process to achieve the result
This one was very interesting to me, because it's true. The best example that Manson used was that if you want to be fit and have 8-pack abs, you have to enjoy working out, eating a strict diet, etc. Because if you don't, you're never going to be super fit. And that makes sense. That's why people make new year's resolutions to get in shape, go to the gym for about a month, don't see any immediate results, and say "fuck this shit, let's go bowling." Whatever you aspire to be, you must embrace the road to get there, otherwise you never will. So eat shit. Just kidding, I just felt like being an asshole for a second.
Another example I love of this is that companies like Nike and Adidas tend to showcase their sponsored athletes excelling at their sport under the bright lights being adored by fans. Not Under Armour. Under Armour shows their athlete's grinding, training when no one is watching, because that's what you have to do to succeed. That translates to nearly every profession. Want to nail that sales pitch to that huge client? You gotta do the research and all that other fucking work before you get your five minutes to make a sale. Here's my favorite Under Armour ad:
If that didn't give you chills down your spine, you may have to taser yourself in the nipples to see if you're alive.
You will always have problems
In case you haven't figured this out yet, problems are a part of life. They're not going away, I don't give a fuck who you are. Some of you might be rolling your eyes thinking that the super wealthy don't have any problems - they do, just not the same ones you have, but trust me they're there. The thing I observed most from my peers that amazed me the most is how people thought that getting over one hurdle would solve all their problems. A common theme at business school was "I want to get a good internship, convert it to an offer, so I can just come back 2nd year and relax." That's basically the MBA wet dream. But guess what - then you have to start that job after you graduate, and if it's not all it's cracked up to be, you've got the problem of finding another job that doesn't make you want to slit your wrists. Getting a job offer is great, but then you have to learn and do that job. Getting promoted is great, but now you have more responsibility, maybe some people reporting to you, and you have to figure out how to be a good manager. This is what I mean by problems never go away, but it's good to have problems that you constantly need to solve.
Bottom line: If your attitude is once I do [insert something here] I'm all set, you're either really fucking unrealistic, of you're nine years old.
If you're too lazy to look up this book, buy it here on Amazon. No, I don't get a commission, I'm not whoring myself out to fucking Amazon, I just really liked this book and wanted to share it with the 12 readers who make it to the bottom of this page.
A friend had a housewarming/Derby party yesterday and the invite said that there would be drinks and snacks, but to bring anything we wanted to share. Because I'm a lazy piece of shit that can't prepare any sort of food that doesn't come out of a can and involve a microwave, naturally I figured I'd swing by Taco Bell on the way over.
After rolling in with 3 bags of Tacos and a shitload of hot sauce (the drive thru guy really went above and beyond there - someone needs to give that guy a raise), I was greeted with the obligatory "Ooohs" and "Aaaahs" that Taco Bell organically elicits from people. As I set down the bags and I made what I thought was a pretty clear announcement that the Tacos were up for grabs. I hadn't had lunch yet, so naturally I started going to town on a soft taco.
Then a peculiar thing happened: Someone asked if they could have a taco. Then another person did. And still another. I thought I made it abundantly clear these were for sharing, but these people must've thought that it was some kind of trap, or there had to be a catch like they had to give me a kidney for a Doritos Locos Taco (which by the way, I would be the one getting ripped off).
Listen, as much as I enjoy eating grade D rat meat tacos, there was no way I was going to eat 18 of them. So of course I was like "yeah, go ahead! Have at it!" Then it occurred to me: People will be super polite for some Taco Bell. It really brings people together. If I brought Tostitos and salsa, no one would have asked before grabbing a handful. If I brought some cookies, no one is asking if it's okay to have one, they just take it. But Taco Bell...land of the $1.39 Taco makes people ask permission as if they're not worthy. It's pretty fucking amazing.
Now of course, some obligatory food porn:
If you're impressed that I spent over $30 at Taco Bell, this ain't my first fuckin' rodeo:
Now that I think of it, Pepsi didn't completely fuck up with that Kendall Jenner ad. Right idea, wrong product. If Kendall hands that cop a taco, this commercial is instantly believable.
